We are still here.

I know that it has been a while since I have posted consistently, sorry.
I have found it difficult to blog since mom died. I think that it was because I wasn't ready to write about her dying and I didn't think that I could go on with the blog and pretend that this major life event hadn't happened. Well, I think that it is time to write about it now as I have finally processed that fact that she is gone (which is good, since it has been over a year).

Most of you know this, but my mother passed away a year ago February 14th (yep, on Valentine's day). I was in my classroom meeting with students about their research papers and my phone kept ringing. I sent my mom's phone a text message asking what was wrong and got no response. Finally Angie called me and one of my students told me that I better answer the phone. I did and that is when I got the news. Like I said, I was in the middle of class (7th and 8th graders) and everyone was quietly working on their research report. Angie told me that mom died and the first thing that came out of my mouth (in front of my entire class) was "Who's fucking mom died?". At that point I then walked out of my room. Ran into a parent and told her that my mom had died and she responded with "oh fuck" and that she would watch my class. I walked straight to my administrators office and sat down. She knew something was wrong because I had tears running down my eyes. I told her what happened and she took action. It took me over an hour to be able to leave the school building. Not because I needed to get things done, but because I was so numb I had no idea what to do first. All I really had to do was leave. My amazing 7th grade team took over and made sure my students had things to do.
I finally made it home and still had to contact Tim to make sure he could keep the kids. I had to pack (and really, what do you pack for your mother's funeral) and deal with getting the house in order as I would be gone for at least 4 days. I called my sister-in-law Sara and told her what happened and she walked me through what to put in my suitcase. My neighbor came down and packed the kids suitcases up and had them ready for Tim to pick up. My friend Kelly was (and continues to be) an amazing support system as well.
I finally get on the road and then have to drive 200 miles with nothing to keep my mind occupied. That was not an experience I would like to have again. I will be finding a driving partner for the next unexpected death.
After I got there, things continued to suck. Everyone was numb. Angie was there for the entire ordeal and had to see and do things that no child should have to do. I can't even imagine what she went through and only wish that I could have been there sooner. Angie and I went with dad to pick out the grave site and plan the funeral. Angie and I went and purchased mom a new outfit to wear (a bit strange, yes, but she deserved it). You should have heard the saleswomen that were helping us. I am an inappropriate laugher...something happens that I can't deal with, I laugh. They were definately judging me.
My other sisters arrived along with my aunts and uncles (mom was the oldest of 7) and we got down to picking out pictures, music, and writing the obituary and creating the pamphlet for the funeral. I have to say that everyone really stepped up, but that Angie and I took a lot of this on ourselves (we are a bit OCD like that and we had started it and felt like we needed to finish it). I knew that if I could focus on something that I could get through this time.
Fast forward to this December 26th. My birthday. I am sitting on the couch already feeling a bit sad (Tim had the kids) and my dad called to wish me a happy birthday. Every year since I can remember, I have gottern the birthday song call from mom and dad. It wasn't until dad called to sing me happy birthday that I really processed that she was gone. It is strange how such a little thing can trigger my emotions. It was not a great day, but it was important and needed to happen. I feel like I really have moved forward in the mourning process since then. I visited moms grave for the first time and have been able to look back at some pictures as well.
John and Megan are taking it well. They ask about Grandma Robbye Lou all the time. They look at pictures, talk about her, and ask why she died. They went with me to the grave and had different takes on what was going down....here's how it went.
Megan - "Grandpa where is grandma laying?" Grandpa tells her. "I am going to lay down on top of her and give her a big hug and kiss and make her feel better, then we can dig her up so she's not dead anymore."
John - "Megan, she's dead. She's always going to be dead and you can't do anything about it."
I have to tell you that I almost lost it. Angie, dad, and I were trying so hard not to laugh. Megan was "pissed". She kept saying its not fair and I don't like you. Poor thing. John just kept telling her she was not coming back. Where do these kids get this!
So...I am back, I am going to blog, I am going on with my life (which is pretty awesome right now) and I will be posting again....pictures to come (probably today).